I am Alone

June 10, 2010

[Master Wayne Picture]

I feel the pangs of separation attack the girders of my rib cage as I solemnly walk home and observe the side walk mayhem of Putuo district. Just like any other area in suburban, urban China, the small tiles of paving are uneven, creating minor valleys and hills on the walkway feeding the discarded litter and puddles of water left by street venders selling a variety of kebab and meat-on-a-stick combos. Cars, busses, bicycles and motorcycles congest the roadways with both their vehicles and noise. Pedestrians dart on through without a second glance. Such an overpower-ment of sight, sound and smell would be unsavoury to most foreigners, I still find it off-putting.

Comfort can be hard to find in China’s chaotic streets. It’s the last place for a foreigner like me to find peace. The intensity comes in thick and fast out there, it’s best to stay indoors and appreciate the cultural norm of ignorance towards all but your own internal kingdom, the household. This form of luxury wasn’t always available the last time I was here. Auntie, my landlady and de facto, self-appointed Chinese mother had reigns over the house, so I instead found refuge in my relationship with my Chinese girlfriend. It was in our relationship constructed of Chinese language that I found my solace. It was an uncertain place and it still is, however, it offers invaluable comfort, a capital which is still a necessity.

As my 7-day tenure as ‘lazy man coming to visit his friends’ wraps up, I am reminded of what is to come and I do not anticipate. A stage-front job teaching English, my first job out of uni, worries me. Pile on my ailing Mandarin, trying to retain my not-as-long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, staying alive in a foreign culture and maybe trying to keep up with games and my writing—and I can tell that I’m all set for a world of pain. This initial period is going to be a real struggle, I sense this and I feel pretty scared about it.

However, it is a base of stability which on completion of the year-long contract should hopefully see me return to Shanghai, taking up a less intensive job, living near or possibly with the one I love and hopefully allowing enough time to plug into this writing and gaming hole of mine. From there I ought to be set, just one hurdle at a time I suppose.

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