Maddening Impotence

August 12, 2010

I cannot chuck a hissy. The other day after returning home from spending a whole day with people, I found myself alone and felt a bout of insta-depression. Some other stuff happened which made me feel lonelier still and actually quite angry. I was so angry that I knocked over an empty drink bottle, but my intents weren’t genuine at all and I just ended up feeling guilty for longer than the span of 2-second tantrum.

Stuff happens in class too which makes me mad, but once it happens it’s internalised and the curbing process has already began. I can’t let it out physically. I guess if I’m mad then I let it out the same way I’ve observed members of my family doing it: through a tizzy of smarmy commentary, often ladened with swear words and politeness-transcending exaggeration on the aggressors behalf, which is then directed at others for affirmation. Genetics aside, I’m not sure why I do this. I suppose we all let out anger in our own way.